Sick and Twisted Hamtaro
by Stuff Gal
Summary: Ahh...the title's pretty self explanatory...I mean, after all, Boss vs. Jingle? A Bijou x Jingle fic.?? And more!!! If you wanna know the rest, read and find out!!! Don't forget to heed my warning!!!


My very famous Sick and Twisted Hamtaro!!! Anybody who knows me knows about it!!! I'm so excited, I'll just stop babbling here and let you start reading it!!!

Disclaimer: I don't own Hamtaro and those other people related to him in some way, shape, or form.

Warning: You…probably noticed this isn't G rated. You probably also noticed this is called 'Sick and Twisted Hamtaro". Kindly do the math and notice that this story, and all in its series, are not cute and fluffy like the ones on TV.  So there. I warned you. I won't tolerate any flames upon this subject because of your stupidity to read this even after I warned you. 

*** * * * * * * * * * * * **

"Well, I'm off to school, Hamtaro!!" Laura explained, looking down. Near her feet was the cage in which Hamtaro was looking upwards at her.

"Okay!! Bye, Laura!!" Hamtaro called out. But it was all in his brains. Once Laura left, Hamtaro slipped out of his cage and climbed up to the windowsill. He made it just in time to see Laura leaving with Kana to go to school. Hamtaro smiled as he saw his owner trotting off for another happy school day. 

"I wonder what today's gonna bring for us?" Hamtaro thought to himself. As he thought the question, a sudden chill went up his spine.

"That couldn't have some sort of omen, now could it?" Hamtaro asked himself.

**Sick and Twisted Hamtaro**

After his usual procedures of getting out his cage and greeting Brandy, Hamtaro finally made it to the clubhouse. When he touched the doorknob, he felt another sudden chill. As if something were telling him that once he entered, he'd never be able to come back. And that he would really wanna come back. 

"Umm…" Hamtaro took his paw back for a few moments. After a short time deciding whether or not to go inside, he decided to ignore those chills. Little did he know…

Well, anyways, once he got inside, he was greeted with the usual cheery hellos. 

"Those chills couldn't have meant anything…" Hamtaro thought, with a sweatdrop as he looked around and saw that everything was as cute and fluffy as usual. 

***

Hamtaro was playing cards with Oxnard and Dexter when it happened.

"I'm back from my trip to Papua New Guinea!!!" a familiar deep voice called out. Everyone faced the door as it slowly opened. It was…

Jingle. In the fur!! 

"Wow. How was--" Hamtaro began, before he was cut off.

"Ooooooo, zat mohawk…it iz so sexy!!!" Bijou said, immediately cuddling up to Jingle.

"Eh?" Jingle asked, not really catching on.

"Oh, just take me with you!!"  she suddenly screamed. She was about to jump him, but Boss suddenly interfered.

"Hey, what're you doin'!? That's my girl!!!" he yelled.

"Eh?" Jingle asked. He still didn't catch on.

"Say…I thought you liked Hamtaro…" Oxnard interrupted.

"WHAT!?!" Boss yelled.

"Of course. I like Hamtaro. I also like you…heehee…Oxy…" Bijou answered, winking. 

"Is there any guy you don't like?" Boss asked, saddened.

"Well…I like every guy…except you, Boss. You're just…erm…fat…"

"WHAT!?!!? But, but…" Boss responded. 

"YOU'RE FAT!!!" Bijou yelled, as if Boss didn't hear.

"You hate me, EVEN THOUGH I SAVED YOUR FURRY FRENCH ASS HUNDREDS OF TIMES?!?!?!"

"Yes."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

"Eh?" Jingle asked. Boss now teemed with rage. 

"YOU!!" he screamed, a fiery aura surrounding him as he pointed at Jingle.

"Eh?"

"I CHALLENGE YOU!!!! TO A BAAAAATTTTTTTTLLLLLEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Eh?"

Suddenly, all the Ham-Hams crowded around Boss and Jingle in a big circle.  

"Oh, no…" Hamtaro commented, watching all the cute and fluffy fall apart.

As the other Ham-Hams gathered 'round, Maxwell was selling tickets, to gamble on who'd win. 

"Say, Maxwell, you selling any food?" Oxnard asked.

"No…sorry, Oxnard…" Maxwell ansered.

"Oh, well that's okay!!" was Oxnard's cheery reply. He grabbed a ticket and joined the circle. Once he was settled in, Oxnard, just popped a seed from outta his ear and began eating.

"Go, Jingle…hm-hm…" Bijou cheered on, in her sexiest manner. 

"Oh, Bijou…" Sandy called to Bijou. 

"Oh…hello, Sandy."

"Bijou…"

"Ack…" Bijou scooted away from Sandy, since she just received a nice pinch on the ass from her. Sandy winked. 

"Hey, Sandy just pinched Bijou on the butt!!" Pashmina obviously stated. She sounded very cheerful, as if she were just stating it because it's obvious. 

In the meantime, on the other side of the circle…

"Hmmm…maybe Cappy should play the winner…" suggested Howdy, standing menacingly to the right of Cappy. 

"How many seeds will you bet for a fight like that?" Dexter asked, stepping to Cappy's left.

"Erk…" Cappy was quite concerned, looking to his sides.

In yet another meantime, Panda was pickpocketing the other Ham-Hams. He whistled very nonchalantly. 

Even after all this craziness, the fight was still about to start!!!!

"I'll get back at you!!!!! Nobody steals my Bijou!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Boss yelled. Jingle just sat down and began playing his guitar. Boss then threw his shovel at Jingle. Jingle just tilted his head to side, completely missing the shovel.

"Hey, Jingle dodged the shovel!!" Pashmina stated. 

"Ook-ack…" Penelope replied. Her response was stopped since the shovel that missed Jingle hit her. Everybody became silent for a moment as they looked at Penelope. 

"Hey, Penelope got hit with a shovel, everyone!!" Pashmina called out. The fight resumed. Jingle stood up and began walking. Yet, somehow he slipped, and, in the process, accidentally hit Boss with his guitar. Boss fell to the ground.

"123!!" Bijou quickly yelled. 

"Jingle wins!!!!!!!" Maxwell yelled to the entire crowd. Some cheered. Some booed. 

"Ooooh, Jingle, I knew you would win!!" Bijou said, in a very sexy tone, while hugging onto Jingle's side. 

"Eh?" he asked.

IN THE END…

Oxnard developed an eating problem. He just wouldn't stop eating.

Boss, after losing the fight and Bijou, became depressive. Since then, he started taking huge amounts of doses of Prozac to help. Even though it doesn't.

Bijou was found to be whore. She likes every guy except Boss. One can pay a cheap price for her. Except Jingle (who really doesn't care about anything…)… she says Jingle is the only "freebie"

Sandy, who yearns for Bijou, is a lesbian.

Dexter and Howdy constantly gamble. Whenever there's something they can't gamble on, Cappy becomes their pawn. 

Panda likes stealing stuff. 

Pashmina states the obvious.

And Maxwell became suicidal, for no apparent reason.

* * *

"Guess what Hamtaro?" Laura asked, as she opened her journal. 

"What?" thought a tired Hamtaro. The day wore him out, and he realized he was really the only sane one of all the Ham-Hams.

"I had a really great day!!!" It almost seemed like she was taunting him. 

"I had a really horrible day!!" Hamtaro thought. He was thinking off all the reasons of why his day was so horrible.

"Today was a good day, and tomorrow will be even better, isn't that right little guy?" Laura asked, looking at her faithful pet hamster.

"Well, so long as everything will be back to normal tomorrow…" yawned Hamtaro. Laura just smiled.   

Ooooo, was it good? Was it? Was it? Of course, this goes on like in a TV series. In other words, now that the intro is over, I can make all my neat little stories about it!!! But, don't worry, they'll be individual stories. This story, though, has only one chapter. And you just read it. So there. If you really feel so forced into doing so, then yes, you can review. 

A/N: Sorry if this fic. offends anyone. I don't mean for it all, really!! S&T Hamtaro is one of those stories that one shouldn't take too seriously. 


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